She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
