u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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