I just pynch a tree in the face
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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