Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
