Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
