uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
