At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
