the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
