porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
false alarm. still invincible.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
