The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
