don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
