69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
