I wish I could teleport
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
