the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
