I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
