i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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