I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish life had little blips of pornography
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
