he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
