Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
