Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
