currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
