we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
