remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
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