She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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