she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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