I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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