then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
