do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
