it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
