so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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