I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
