I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
