Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
