so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
