he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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