that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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