I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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