I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
