Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
