are you still at the devil's house?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
