Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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