So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
