I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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