I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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