Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
