I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Panties = found
Randomize
