Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i came on her dog
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
