Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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