I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
