there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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