dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
