im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
