I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
