Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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