I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
