Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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